Send flowers to the living.

I read the quote "send flowers to the living" in a Washington Post article entitled "12 Ways to Live a Better Life". My first thought after reading that quote was that I now needed to add "Receive more flowers throughout my life than at my funeral" to my life list. That one is slightly out my control, but perhaps it can become an excuse for buying myself flowers more often. To me, flowers are such a rich, almost sinful luxury. They are superfluous yet wonderful. They create a presence only something beautifully alive can capture. Flowers given as a gift remind me of God's love. They are an extravagant expression of love and kindness given for pure enjoyment. An indulgence. So unnecessary, yet so wonderful. To be loved by someone who would lavish you with flowers. Not with chocolate or jewelry or expensive dinners, but with flowers because he simply thinks your enjoyment of a fleeting thing is worth the impracticality of such a purchase.

Flowers aside, I always love reading those cheesy articles because it is a good reminder of the bigger picture. So often our minds are filled with momentary thoughts and worries that I often find myself in a survival mindset: "I just need to get through XYZ". It is good to have moments of reflection that make you contemplate who you are, who you want to be, and how to accept the constant difference and unrest between the two.

I don't want to squander away my life. I want it to be significant. I want to make a difference in the lives of those I meet. I want to be kind and generous. A person who brings honesty and goodness to situations. A person who leaves judgment at the door and instead shows empathy and compassion to others. A person who lets patience and gentleness rule my heart and have their way over a quick temper. I hope that I can live up to these things and I pray that each day will be a noble effort. Sometimes I feel stifled in my current situation. I don't know where to spread the goodness. I feel like I have exuberance and charm and desire to love, yet I sit in a windowless room all day surrounded by the same few co-workers, wondering when I can be the person I want to be. I know that perhaps this is my greatest test, to love those that I am perpetually stuck with, these incredibly hard people to love. How do I show compassion, empathy, kindness, and patience to those whom are weak and passive? How do I respect those who have decided to accept a lifetime of abusive relationships and others who have decided to live deceitful lives without remorse? How do I honor those who disrespect me, are ungrateful, and unkind? How do I show empathy while still creating boundaries? And how do I reconcile these evil thoughts and judgements of others with the fact that I myself am no better than those whom I critique.

And how do I stay kind and graceful in a situation where I often feel at unrest? I feel like my true self, the self that wants these virtues to be an integral part of my being, must be contained. To be in an environment that is so foreign to such virtues makes it a struggle and a challenge to risk it all. It takes vulnerability and encouragement to be yourself. To be kind, generous, and patient can be hard. It can be so very hard because it requires an openness that being distant and reserved does not require. 

It is much easier to love those who desire to receive your love, those who value your soul and cherish your being. I hope that I can simultaneously learn to be content in my environment, learn the balancing act that is being myself, being kind, and being professional, and that I will strive courageously to find an environment in which I will have more goodness to give and in turn, more to receive.